portal_normal EE STRUCTURE orgcat: /PUBLICATIONS/EE-ECHO/LIFE

portal_normal PUBLICATION STRUCTURE cat: /publications/ee-echo/life

portal_normal CATEGORY STRUCTURE category: /PUBLICATIONS/EE-ECHO/LIFE

portal_normal STRUCTURE section: life

portal_normal getURLCurrent: /web/eveningecho/life/detailedstory?p_p_id=DetailedStory_WAR_portalsuite&p_p_lifecycle=0&_DetailedStory_WAR_portalsuite_arg_detailstory_uuid=13cbbfc1-f95f-413f-9595-85aa4db97b3d

portal_normal getPortalURL getURLCurrent: http://www.eveningecho.ie./web/eveningecho/life/detailedstory?p_p_id=DetailedStory_WAR_portalsuite&p_p_lifecycle=0&_DetailedStory_WAR_portalsuite_arg_detailstory_uuid=13cbbfc1-f95f-413f-9595-85aa4db97b3d

portal_normal getPortalURL: http://www.eveningecho.ie

portal_normal domain: http://www.eveningecho.ie

STRUCTURE EE_062016_general_layout.tpl - url: /life/Ive-lost-14-years-of-my-life-to-an-eating-disorder-it-is-a-constant-tug-of-war-13cbbfc1-f95f-413f-9595-85aa4db97b3d-ds

STRUCTURE EE_062016_general_layout.tpl - section: life

STRUCTURE EE_062016_general_layout.tpl - orgcat: orgcat = /PUBLICATIONS/EE-ECHO/LIFE

SOCIAL BOOKMARKS
Share to Facebook Share to Twitter Mail

I’ve lost 14 years of my life to an eating disorder — it is a constant tug of war

EATING disorders anorexia nervosa and bulimia can worm their way into the lives of mothers, sisters, daughters, sons, fathers — even princesses.

Bulimia embedded itself into the charmed life of the late Princess of Wales, and Princess Victoria of Sweden spoke of seeking treatment in the USA when she felt under pressure undertaking royal duties at the age of 18.

The message is, eating disorders can strike anyone at any time.

Anna, who is a 40-year-old mother of three, and a nurse, knows this only too well.

“I lost 14 years of my life,” says Anna, who lives near Blarney.

“People think an eating disorder is all about food. That is a myth. It is all about control.

“You think you have control and then you have no control at all. It is a constant tug of war.

“It is about the voice in your head, telling yourself that you are not good enough. It never stops,” says Anna.

“The voice gets very loud. Life becomes chaotic. You can have everything; but it means nothing.”

Anna has got her life back on track and is a volunteer at the Eating Disorder Centre in Cork, a service which was set up in 2007 by a concerned group of parents in direct response to a lack of support or any dedicated treatment centre outside of Dublin.

“I decided to use my experience to do something positive,” says Anna.

“Telling my story came into play. The recovery from an eating disorder is individual and specific.

“You can recover,” says Anna. “It is no bed of roses, but you are not alone. You are not the only one. It is OK to ask for help. “I thought recovery was possible for everyone else; but not for me.”

Anna grew up in Kerry and she moved to Cork after her nan died in 1995.

“I was very close to my grandmother,” says Anna. “We minded her at home until she went into hospital.

“My mother was very upset when she died. I didn’t show my feelings. When I moved away from home to Cork, I felt that I had a lesser role and that triggered feelings that I wasn’t ‘good enough’.”

Her nan’s death and having to repeat her first year nursing exams along with nine other students, compounded the feeling of not being ‘good enough’.

The little voice that became louder and louder in Anna’s head took up residence, constantly reminding her that she fell short of expectations. She couldn’t control the voice — but she could control her eating.

“Avoiding food became a way of coping,” says Anna.

“It was a protective thing. I avoided situations where food was involved.

“I used to pre-plan and make all kinds of excuses to avoid eating. It was tiring and it was draining, trying to put on that all was fine,” says Anna.

“The critic got louder in my head. I was never ‘good enough’. I was losing weight slowly but surely.

“I used to panic. I had control all day; then no control at all. It was a constant tug of war. My own voice became my best friend and my worst enemy.”

Anna met her best friend who became her husband.

“I never told him,” she says. “I camouflaged the eating disorder. It seemed better that he did not know too much.”

But the voice in her head knew that another, welcome trigger was around the corner.

“Getting married meant fitting into ‘The Dress’,” says Anna.

“That was another trigger. Every time I had a fitting for my wedding dress, I made sure that it had to be taken in each time. I set myself that task. If it wasn’t taken in; it was like a punishment. When the dress was taken in each time, I thought I’d done a good job. It felt like I might be good enough. You think that, if you see a lower number or a smaller clothes size, then you’ll be happy. But you are never happy. You lose sight of yourself, of the real person.”

Were her parents worried about her?

“You are always on the defensive,” says Anna. “I tended to wear black, baggy clothes.”

It is like knotweed. “It takes hold of you and it starts to smother you,” she says.

How did Anna cope with the sneaky, repetitive voice in her head when she became pregnant?

“I was able to put it to one side for nine months,” says Anna.

“I was responsible now for somebody else; so I was able to do that. The first three or four months were difficult because I didn’t look pregnant.

“In the latter stages, I looked big anyway, so I carried on as normal.”

Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden and her husband prince Daniel attend their wedding banquet at the Royal Palace. She has spoke out about her eating disorder. Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/WireImage.
Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden and her husband prince Daniel attend their wedding banquet at the Royal Palace. She has spoke out about her eating disorder. Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/WireImage.

After Anna’s daughter was born, the voice came back with a vengeance. It got louder. Anna heard it loud and clear.

She describes anorexia at that time thus: “It seemed like I’d had a mental holiday.

“But there was no respite from the constant voice in my head. It was inevitable. There was no escape.”

Anna had to find another route to quell the constant reminder in her head, that she wasn’t ‘good enough’.

“It was like I was being told I didn’t deserve to be happy. I wasn’t allowed. If I enjoyed anything, I felt guilty.

“I went to counselling to seek help, but I felt that I wasn’t understood,” says Anna.

“Then, I discovered an Eating Disorder centre in Dublin which I attended weekly. I found great comfort there and I felt understood. Everybody was extremely personal and sensitive. I continued to attend and I really thought that I was ready to fight back. You think you could do it for your husband for your kids, but you truly must want it for yourself. I had a distorted image of myself.

“What I saw in the mirror was not what you see.”

Was Anna able to continue working as a nurse during all this time?

“Yes,” says Anna. “I was able to function. I built up a resilience trying to protect the eating disorder. I tried not to give anyone reason for concern.”

It was difficult for her to juggle everything. She now had two children. The travel and distance to and from Dublin became more difficult.

“I saw somebody in Cork,” says Anna.

“It was easier to talk to a stranger because they didn’t judge you.”

But the sneaky, insidious eating disorder wasn’t going to let its grasp go easily from Anna’s body.

“I was admitted to St John of God in Dublin for bed rest,” says Anna.

“It was Christmas time. I should have been in Smyths shopping for toys. I remember doing my shopping by phone. My little lad wanted Fireman Sam for Christmas. I thought ‘I don’t want this life anymore’.”

Anna began her fightback to health and happiness.

“I continued to go to therapy,” she says.

“2012 was a huge year for me. I felt renewed. I decided I could fight the voice in my head. I decided — I am not listening to you.

“I knew Trish from the Eating Disorder Centre and I caught up with her in 2015. My experience came into play. I could do something positive.”

Anna proved she could do it. Now she is using her own voice and her own experience to help others who are in the grip of an eating disorder.

“I have stood up to the bullying voice,” she says.

“It is a slow process; day by day. You have to have a coping mechanism.

“Before, it was like I was inside a bubble and outside the bubble was real-life.

“Building up resilience and building confidence is important.

“Eating disorders are very hidden things. It is very important to spot them early. That is why I want to reach out to others and to schools to do good with my knowledge of eating disorders.

“My teenage daughter is into make-up and she is impressionable.

“It is important to build up resilience and to build up confidence.”

It is also important to be mindful.

“I definitely don’t want to go back there,” says Anna. “It is not who I am. Sometimes it is a balancing act, walking a tight-rope. It is always waiting for you to fall into its clutches.”

Anna is determined to stay strong. She has found her own voice.

“Life is for living,” she says.

And Anna is not wasting any more precious time.

HELP IS AT HAND

The Eating Disorder Centre in Cork specialising in eating disorders opened in 2008.

It offers professional expertise in the area of eating disorders as well as a service that offers hope of full recovery to all service users with kindness and compassion that reflects the dignity of every human being.

“We have treated people between the ages of 14 to 61, including their families, partners, and carers,” says Clinical Manager, Trish Shiel.

“Each programme is individual for them. While we receive some funding from the HSE, we are reliant on fund-raising in our mission to offer our service. The charity is governed by a voluntary board of management.

“The Centre is involved in ongoing projects with schools and we have undertaken a research programme with the School of Dentistry, UCC, in association with CARL, Community Academic research Links, an initiative that provides independent research support to civil society organisations, eg. community and voluntary groups. The results of the study are to be published in the autumn. Dentists are often the first people to become aware of an eating disorder,” says Trish.

Cork Eating Disorder Centre, 20 St. Patrick’s Hill, Cork. For appointment, call: 021-4539900 Monday to Friday 10am-5pm. For more information email info@edcc.ie